IT’S EXPENSIVE TO BE ME….AND THERE’S TAX

Having interviewed Erika Jayne Girardi in the past, I can say I found her to be lovely, sweet, kind and gracious. A large contingent of viewers of the current season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, on the other hand, are having major issues with the Erika on our screens.

After blowing up temperamentally at Teddi for the newbie’s “pretend amnesia” comment, many Housewives’ fans expressed their utter disgust and disgruntlement with the “Pretty Mess.” Tonight, Erika will revisit this blowup with Teddi and explain that she was impassioned to argue after being called a “liar.” But her other diva-like behaviors, particularly lateness, may not endear her to the critics who have decided she exhibits the traits of an entitled prima donna.

Here’s the rundown of what transpired this episode:

WE BEGIN WITH SEX NOISES

Alas, no one is having sex at this juncture, but those shady editors honed in on the sounds uttered by Dorit and Rinna as they received their foot massages in the Waldorf Astoria spa in Berlin. This new bramance (I know no one is using this term, but it is like a bromance but between two ladies) between Dorit and Rinna is being celebrated via a  day of pampering. While being catered to, the duo discusses the lack of drama-drama that recently went down between Dorit, Kyle and LVP.

Rinna plays psychotherapist this episode and waxes philosophical about how it goes deeper than what meets the eye. They then discuss respective husbands: Harry Hamlin is a wilderness man whereas PK can’t seem to go to the bathroom without Dorit holding his hand.

CONTINUE TORTURING THE ACCOUNTABILITY COACH

Time for round 2 of a game the ladies seem to like playing called “Torture the Accountability Coach.” Teddi is kept waiting, along with Kyle, for Ms. Erika Jayne’s arrival. The two whittle away forty minutes in the hotel lobby and Kyle even applies a whole coat of nail polish and lets it dry….Seems Erika is a no-show and the 3 ladies are supposed to be at the zoo. At some point, they decide it’s probably best to meet Erika at the zoo where the guide who has been selected for them is ready to start his day. Teddi and Kyle are expecting some grand look from Erika because why else would she be taking half a century to arrive. But then she shows up looking casual and coughing and explains that she’s sick.

Alas, the “casual look” definitely took some time to arrange by her glam squad because upon close inspection, we see she has appliques in her hair and several coats of makeup. Erika will later say that these “lewks” are a great part of the fun of these trips, but they really seem like a lot of hassle to me for not being able to run or turn your head.

The trio has a great time together – while Teddi bears in mind that an inevitable conversation with Erika is on the horizon – and they all become enamored with the endangered panda they see and pose for photos right outside his glass cage.

LOOK MA, NO PANTS!

“What is happening here?” asks Teddi as she wonders why she never personally got the memo to go pantless or in costume around the city. That’s because Lisa Rinna, a woman in her 50s is now wearing a black pleather trench coat with only a blazer over a teddy underneath. LVP has left Berlin because she will be receiving an award for her Yulin documentary, and the other ladies are waiting for Erika…yet again. They are all scheduled to go on a boat ride. Kyle dials her number and the call goes straight to voicemail. Rinna hopes it’s the “lewk” that is causing the lateness, imagining the glam squad dolling her up.

In LVP’s absence, Kyle sums up the recent drama and we’re fooled momentarily into thinking she wants to bury it all. “I’m going to consider it cleared,” she says to Dorit. Finally, I think to myself, that’s very mature of her….But just wait until later in the episode.

Once the ladies arrive at the boat, they ask the employees there to hold the ride for Erika.

ERIKABOT ARRIVES

When the host of this trip finally arrives, she arrives as Erikabot. She can barely move because she is in a long sleeved red latex top. She – or rather, her glam squad –  applied baby powder underneath in order to get the lube over it. In this case, I assume the lube is the latex, but I am honestly confused. I sit here wearing an H&M t-shirt and a pair of grey scrub pants. High fashion is not my forte in 2018, though I did have my hey day where I cared way too much about what I wore and had some “lewks” of my own. I can put you in touch with people who lived near me on the Upper West Side of Manhattan in the late 90s if you want to verify that.

Back to Erika: Her hair is pulled tight in a high pony with faux bangs and at least 4 coats of makeup are shellacked onto her visage. “My nipples are hard as rocks!” she announces as she goes on to offensively talk about how “my gays” held her and nipped and tucked her so she could get into this ridiculous outfit in order to not be able to move. Then Rinna reveals the teddy underneath the blazer that is substituting for a dress. The ladies are having so much fun, as Rinna digs in her testimonial, because is it any wonder? LVP with the stick up her ass is NOT there.

STREET WALKERS

The ladies are driven to some random street and Erikabot leads them down an alleyway that looks sketchy. She’s getting a kick out of Rinna freaking out a bit. She lets them know that she’s leading them to “the new hot spot.” It turns out they’re going to an exclusive invitation-only restaurant that should be a lot swankier than it looks after that sort of hype.

Once seated, Kyle is eager to touch Erika. “I’m not into women” she explains in her testimonials, but something about that latex is turning her on.

DORIT AND THE DETAILS

Dorit says she can’t have the candles be unlit on the table. It’s clear that Dorit is particularly persnickety about the details that low maintenance Teddi would never notice in a million years. Erika decides this dinner is the time to bring up that “pretend amnesia” comment to Teddi. Once again, the critics won’t be happy with Erika’s defense of not wanting to be called a liar. She admits she has a temper and adds in her testimonial that she can be an asshole. At least, here’s a character with an iota of self-awareness, a rarity on reality TV.

It was a pleasant surprise to see Dorit back Teddi up and tell Erika that she can be intimidating, she has a major presence and Erika says that the last thing she wants to be to anyone is scary. Teddi says she almost didn’t go on the trip because of Erika’s outburst and Erika responds that she is glad Teddi went, she had fun with her at the zoo. They seem to put this whole thing to bed (at least for now).

Dorit says she’s eager to get back because she has a fashion show for her beachwear and we soon learn there will be more details for her to sweat.

BACK IN BEVERLY HILLS

Once back in Beverly Hills, PK is giving Dorit an ulcer with his lackadaisical attitude (as opposed to her Type A demeanor) about her upcoming fashion show. She is also freaked out to discover that the runway has been shortened by the coordinator in charge. What started off as “butterflies” in her stomach has now turned into full blown labor cramps sans pregnancy.

Teddi’s family goes out to eat and Teddi decides that the idea of getting a horse should be put on hold. Edwin seizes this opportunity to inquire about getting a Lamborghini.

IF IT AIN’T BROKE, WHY FIX IT? BECAUSE YOU’RE RICH

We go to Kyle who is essentially asking herself “If it ain’t broke, why fix it?” Kyle is moving to a new home but she loves her current home, so why is she moving? We see a flashback of memorable scenes in that home. The answer to “why fix it?” is: Because she’s rich. This is what rich people do, upgrade.

In the final scene, Kyle is visiting LVP who is fresh off receiving a reward for the Yulin documentary. It is in this scene where we learn that Kyle is not over the arguments with Dorit, particularly that part where Dorit was claiming Kyle’s responsible for panty-gate. I had just finished commending Kyle on dropping that one and not getting into it. I was entirely busy being way too impressed, but here we go again…Kyle’s not over it which means it will be brought up, despite Kyle stating earlier “I’m going to consider it cleared.”

Whatever that was, it clearly didn’t last. Panty-gate has gotten so old it needs to be renamed “Granny Underpants-Gate.”

NEXT TIME ON RHOBH:

Kyle hosts a showing of American Women in her new house.

Camille shows off her engagement Sparkler.

Dorit has her fashion show and finally learns there will be no Beverly Hills Lifestyle spread.

Kyle gets mad.