#RealityTV Realness: Looking to Cast “Crazy” Folks (But Let’s STOP Using That Word)

“Reality TV is definitely not for the faint of heart,” Emily Simpson recently remarked. In case her name is unfamiliar to you, Simpson was a cast mate on Real Housewives of Orange County this past season, her inaugural one which had a level of inevitable hazing for the newbie.

As an attorney, part time party planner, and a mother, Simpson thought she was well-equipped for any battle ground. However, she quickly discovered that even she, “a tough cookie” needed to be stronger, to fight back, stand her ground and adamantly state what she was opposed to from her cast mates.

Her general tendency is to be more laid back, but she found her voice amongst the taunts, outbursts, gossip and chatter from the other ladies during filming – especially when Kelly Dodd insulted her husband Shane by calling him a “little geek”, “a twerp” and “a nerd.”

Emily fought back, perhaps too hard, saying the words (to Kelly Dodd) that we all need to consider carefully before uttering: “I will kill you.” But stress – and the duress brought on by filming a show which requires you to hang out with volatile personalities who are virtual strangers full of unpleasant surprises – can get the best of you.

That’s why I personally wouldn’t sign release forms. Television would be a magnification of my worse traits. I have a hard enough time listening to my own voice when I’m on a podcast.

Other Housewives franchises and reality shows across the many networks, especially 90 Day Fiance on TLC, are cast with the most eclectic, explosive, dramatic, controversial and polarizing individuals. This is not to say that other people aren’t cast as foils to their antitheses, or because they’re enormously endearing.

Nevertheless, “Crazy” is the most overused (albeit at times, seemingly suitable) label for reality folks. Some of the Real Housewives of New Jersey cast have had difficulty handling the brashness and blunt manner of Margaret Josephs. The answer about whether reactions to her remarks are “crazy” may be subjective. However, it would be wrong to use such a harsh term when discussing exclusively what’s shown on television.

Is Caroline on Bravo’s Below Deck “crazy” on the show? One could definitely assert that she seems neurotic, filled with anxiety and understandably on edge around judgmental cast mates, but again, based solely on the footage (and discounting social media tirades), “crazy” wouldn’t be a fair depiction.

Is it ever a fair one? Caroline is dealing with a mother who has dementia, Emily is dealing with the stress of the unexpected, a terse relationship with her mother, while also grappling with the heavy decision about having another child (following an emotional fertility journey and multiple miscarriages).

Women in their 50s on other franchises have hormones entirely out of whack as menopause looms large. Then there is an audience unwilling to hold back or mince harsh words on all social media platforms.

Maybe we should all own up to the crazy label and say “Yes, I own my temporary insanity”, but I think the word “crazy” is tossed around too liberally. I suffer from Generalized Anxiety and I’m currently dealing with real life stresses that could affect any woman my age as their parents get older.

Do I handle stress well? Not always (or to quote Dorinda Medley from Real Housewives of New York, “not well, bitch!”)

Have I had my “crazy” moments? Oh yes, definitely. I once left a harsh voicemail message asking an individual to knock off their baffling shenanigans. I had my Alec Baldwin moment when the individual (not a friend or even an acquaintance) published the voicemail on a website. I chose not to listen to it (I’ve mentioned hating the sound of my own voice), but I will cop to sounding like I was at my wit’s end – I was.

I’m not bothered that the individual (again, a stranger) went on to call me a nut, unstable…with regard to my momentary lapse in judgement. This person doesn’t actually know me and how I’m open about my anxiety, how I went through the worst period when my twins were born shockingly and detrimentally prematurely. I felt no shame about going on Lexapro when their traumatic birth was followed by months of insomnia.

Emily Simpson certainly never intended to actually kill Kelly Dodd when she screamed “I’ll kill you.”

The normal, everyday man or woman (and let’s be real about how men easily get passes when it comes to “bad behavior,” and are less prone to be labeled “crazy” than women are… “strong,” “stubborn,” “hot headed,” “annoyed” and worse, justified in their annoyance – yet rarely “crazy”) needs to pause and think before reacting.

That is what would happen in an ideal reality, but reality TV is set up with the cards stacked against its stars purposely and things moving quickly as directed by producers.

When on reality TV, you are to spend lots of time – including overseas getaways – with people who are not your “real life friends.” You are advised to swallow your pride in order to film, and producers ask deliberate questions, knowing the answers are sure to get you in trouble.

In your most tense-filled moment, you are asked “Siggy, what do you think of the things Margaret said?” You may cry, you may yell out an expletive. You feel wronged and who is to say feelings aren’t justified! Are you crazy? NO.

You are in an ill-suited environment for you. You are desperately in need of a new one, surrounded by people you view as kind, like-minded, who share your sense of humor and propriety.

Should you decide to return to the show – which is my hope for Emily Simpson of RHOC – you now know how to do things differently and what you will never repeat. And your hope is to give viewers and reviewers new adjectives. “Crazy” is not only a cop-out, but a disservice – especially to women who have been dismissed simply as just that for thousands of years.

#RHONY, Bravo TV, Dating, Psychology, Reality TV

#RHONY: Is There a Shortage of Men in Manhattan?!

Two decades ago, when I was a single woman living and dating in NYC, it seemed like every guy of “average” level looks, intelligence and personality had 9 incredible women in hot pursuit of him.

I was in a certain, very niche- specific dating scene because of my religious background, and once I expanded my social circles, this 9 to 1 ratio of eligible single ladies to eligible single men no longer seemed to be as much of a thing. However, I did notice that “normal” men seemed harder to find than outstanding women, and while the male population of NYC is currently at 47.38 percent versus the 52.62 percent of females (a disparity that doesn’t seem outrageous and was quite similar twenty years ago), a good man is hard to find.

It takes only a five minute conversation with a NYC single gal today to gauge this problem, while a man always seems to have more dating prospects on the horizon.

I suspect this was particularly prescient to me due to my former religious circles wherein matchmakers pounce upon a widowed man because of the devotion he had to his wife and noted past ability to commit. I realize this sounds awfully vulture-like to the reader, but it’s so hard for a religious Jewish woman to find a man who is self-assured, charismatic and committed. Matchmakers are fully aware of this. There just happen to be more marriage-minded women than men in major metropolitan cities.

This brings us to the ladies of Real Housewives of New York. They’re not in the Jewish dating scene, but are in a niche specific one of their own. It is one where men of a certain middle aged and above cohort are acclimating still to the idea of a highly successful, independent and self-sufficient, affluent woman (though some of these ladies are more modern and self sufficient than others are). The majority of these men have been indoctrinated with the notion of man as provider and, despite protest, many do feel threatened by a women of means who could be the provider herself. RHONY fans often ask “why are these woman always dating the same loser, or arguing over the same man who doesn’t seem so spectacular?”

I mention my “9 to 1” theory to Rori Sassoon, Founder of NYC matchmaking service Platinum Poire. Rori hosted the speed dating event that we recently saw on RHONY. It was where all the ladies seemed interested in the red scarf adorned Brian Krauss. “Aren’t there more men for these women to date?” viewers asked.

Rori agrees that the rationale I developed from my dating days is not off at all and adds: “It is unfortunately still the same. It’s also much harder for women because the man is the one who is doing the pursuing. I also find that if a man wants to be in a relationship, he can make that happen a lot more quickly than a woman can. Because of that, a lot of women do not choose their partner, they are chosen, which can lead to a relationship with an expiration date.”

If all of this sounds terribly antiquated in today’s 2018 culture of #MeToo, #TimesUp, Feminism and shifts from heteronormative stereotypes, we have not progressed as much as you naively thought. A certain level of traditional thinking still abounds amidst the modernity of NYC, especially when it comes to the Gen X and Boomer contingents.

For every Tom, Harry and Brian, there is a group of women hovering in the wings, trying to catch a glimpse of an extinct breed: a seemingly Ok male specimen. Due to the depressing rarity of this find, the bar is not set especially high, and disappointment in NYC dating can seem as inevitable as a streetlight on every corner.

Thinking outside of the box and beyond the city limits is a strategy some of these Housewives have employed because the pickings are slim. It is why so much is not taboo and hiring a matchmaker is not something to be shunned. It’s also why you shouldn’t be ashamed if it suddenly dawns on you that your uncle in Schenectady would be the perfect match for Ramona Singer. Hey, you never know. Vet it through Rori. Crazier things have happened in this world than Ramona becoming your aunt.

Hear Rori Sassoon discuss the RHONY speed dating event and trying to match up the ladies of the cast on the Pink Shade with Erin Martin podcast.

Gender Stereotypes, Women in the workplace, Uncategorized

#Google: Is the “Images” Platform Reinforcing Gender Stereotypes In the Workplace?

A new study indicates that Google images may be reinforcing gender stereotypes in the work place.

As you can see in the above table, images for a certain profession often align with what people perceive to be prevalent jobs for a specific gender. If you were to, say, type the word “CEO” into Google Images, you would find only 11% of female CEOs represented in the results, as opposed to an actual 28% reported in the US Labor Force Statistics from the Current Population Survey.

The study goes on to show that if you type the word “journalist,” females are underrepresented by 28% in the search results. When it comes to “bus drivers,” our minds typically conjure up a male image and Google Images represents that in its platform results. Women are underrepresented by 29% in comparison to US Labor Force Statistics data.

AdView analyzed United States Department of Labor’s Bureau of Labor Statistics data, along with the results of Google Image searches for a range of job roles.

Psychology dictates that we come to know and understand things based on what we are shown. It is perplexing to think that societal perceptions could be so influenced by a popular search engine – when we are not getting accurate representations from that popular search engine!

More astonishing is this fact: After the search giant’s most recent annual report was released, it was revealed that Google has had a mere 0.3% growth in the percentage of women employed since 2014.

The misrepresentation of genders within job roles on Google Images is particularly salient because between May 2017 and May 2018, Google held 87% of the search engine market share in the US.

The Most Underrepresented Roles for Females on Google images are:

Baker – females are underrepresented by 33% on Google Images

Bus Driver – females are underrepresented by 29% on Google Images

Journalist – females are underrepresented by 28% on Google Images

Hairdresser – females are underrepresented by 24% on Google Images

CEO – females are underrepresented by 17% on Google Images.

Cults

#NXIVM: Thinking of Catherine Oxenberg

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and I’m thinking about one mom who had a difficult day, not one that can be whimsically captured in snapshots of breakfast in bed with a cup of coffee, an omelet with a side of blissful, emotional fulfillment. For Catherine Oxenberg, it is an anxious period. The Dynasty actress has been intent on rescuing her daughter India Oxenberg from the cult NXIVM, but reports from Frank Parlato (of the Frank Report) indicate that India may be named as co-conspirator number 2 in the Keith Raniere-Allison Mack-NXIVM debacle.

Allison Mack was “number 1” in recruiting young women for the sexual slavery “DOS” division of NXIVM and it’s difficult to learn that young India could have been the one to report directly to her in those trafficking efforts. Hearing Catherine discuss how India was severely brainwashed by Raniere, had lost a ton of weight and the toll it had taken on her (the stopping of menses, hair loss and thinning), along with being physically branded in the pubic region, I cannot even imagine the mother’s added stress about her daughter potentially facing the legal system.

My thoughts and wishes for the best possible outcome here are with Catherine. She has proven to be a tenacious and stalwart advocate for rescuing her daughter. I hope she can be even stronger for whatever comes next.

Here is the latest Frank Report on India Oxenberg: https://frankreport.com/2018/05/13/leaked-screenshots-provide-evidence-india-oxenberg-is-co-conspirator-2/

Moms, Psychology

SH*T People Say To Pregnant Women

I was recently on the Buttered Pop podcast to recap an episode of the wildly popular Bravo show Vanderpump Rules. While there are no pregnant characters on the show… yet, there was a story-line about a character receiving unsolicited comments on her body from another (male) character. While delving into this with the podcast host Armin Mahramzadeh, he and I discussed the concept of a man weighing in to criticize and heavily scrutinize a woman’s body. We wondered if 2018 would finally be the year for men to take a second look at this habitual and (also unfortunately) historic behavior, realizing how wrong it is to issue these types of intrusive remarks.

Even men who profess to be feminists and to understand women, should think before making a nasty barb about the female bod…

Because guess what, men? You are men. Whether you are gay or straight, single or in a relationship, live with a woman or do not: You have no firsthand understanding of the female anatomy, hormones and related weight fluctuations like someone with an actual female body has. Often enough, you’ve exhibited that you have no concept of what a realistic female body type is, what is desirable versus what is achievable.

I feel the above frustrations as a woman and I also remember feeling a great deal of annoyance – amplified by overwhelming surges in hormones – when I was pregnant.

Until I actually started to show during my first pregnancy, I had no idea that that time period in my life would open the floodgates to all sorts of unsolicited commentary. It boggled my mind then that folks felt they had license to issue all sorts of rude and tasteless insults to the most hormonal people on the planet, expecting it to roll right off their backs. With the subsequent two pregnancies, I still remained aghast though perhaps, I was a bit prepared. Otherwise, pregnancy is a blessing and having gone the fertility route to achieve a sustainable pregnancy, I felt super thankful and appreciative to even have this time to complain…..Still, the sorts of things that people will say – I will never forget some of those comments!

In retrospect, I can laugh at the ridiculousness, but in the moment, I really just wanted to school people on the things they shouldn’t be saying.

Can you imagine if I walked over to a man and said “Oh my God, you are so fucking bald! What happened to all of your hair?” Something tells me it wouldn’t go over well at all, that it would be seriously shocking and be perceived as terribly inappropriate. So the fact that it is far less shocking to tell a woman “You are huge!” while staring at her belly (pregnant or not, because people never cease to amaze me) is appalling.

BUZZFEED

My experience with pregnancy – three times- is what inspired me to write a little skit that was performed in an Off Broadway production a few years ago under the directorship of Aliza Shane and the 3V Theater company.

Without further adieu, I present you with “Sh*t People Say to Pregnant Women” and perhaps after you read it, you’ll remember to insert your own pregnant pauses into conversations about women’s bodies:

“Are you seriously eating that?”

“Are you going to eat ALL that?!”

“I never ate that much when I was pregnant…”

[Laughing and pointing] “Talk about ‘eating for two’!”

“You know that you don’t really need to’ eat for two.’ The baby is the size of a lima bean.”

“YOU are going to gain so…much…WEIGHT!”

“Oh wow, [slaps head] you’re pregnant! I thought you just got fat.”

“Your nose has gotten wider; you must be having a girl!”

“Your nose has gotten wider; you must be having a boy!”

“You must be having a girl. Girls suck out all your beauty…”

“Don’t you love how now you can just let yourself go and eat whatever you want?”

“Oh, no wonder you’re letting yourself go!”

“No wonder you’re eating so much!”

“Oh, you’re showing early because you’re so skinny.”

“My other friend who’s pregnant didn’t show as early because SHE’S thin.”

“I wasn’t sure it was a PREGNANT belly. I thought it might just be a MARRIED belly.”

“Oh, I knew it! I just knew it! I knew it before you told me!”

“I thought your face was getting a little fat.”

“I noticed your boobs were looking bigger.”

“Oh, phew, I really was wondering why you were suddenly getting so chunky.”

“Ohhhh. Can I touch it?”

“Should you be eating that?”

“Should you be drinking that?”

“You know you shouldn’t be eating that.”

“You SURE you’re not having twins?”

“Twins? You are going to BURST!”

“One’s gotta be hiding behind another. That happened to my mother’s sister’s cousin-in-law’s best friend’s aunt’s daughter.”

[Whispers confidentially] “Could it be triplets?”

“Well, it definitely has to be twins! You’re too big to be carrying only one. I don’t believe you…”

“You’re too small. Are you sure you’re eating enough?”

“I don’t care what your Doctor says, I KNOW you’re having twins!”

“You’re HUGE! …oh, it’s twins? [Nervously] you’re really carrying small. I hope the babies are ok.”

“Are you taking folic acid?”

“Are you taking your prenatal vitamin?”

“Natural or IVF?”

“Wow, you got pregnant fast at your age!”

“I guess your eggs weren’t fried after all, girl!”

“Wow, so close to your last baby?!”

“Weren’t you JUST pregnant?”

“Didn’t you just get married?”

“Don’t you believe in birth control?”

“What’s the rush?”

“Was this planned or…a surprise?”

“You’re having a baby?… I am so NOT a ‘kids person’!”

“Oh, I so hope it’s a girl since you already have a boy!”

“Will you be disappointed if it’s ANOTHER boy?”

“Are you finding out what you’re having?”

“Are you keeping it?”

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Tag Archives: Women